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see oh double-elle double-ii in [userpic]
Together, we'll follow you into the dark...
by see oh double-elle double-ii in (lambie)
at November 30th, 2008 (09:09 pm)

current mood: sad
current song: death cab for cutie: I'll follow you into the dark

...and stay with you until we all get back to the light. together.

god, this hurts. all of it. my experience, brett's experience, the stigma attached to this massive issue of suicide. the shame. the questions. the darkness. the loneliness.

i only learned of To Write Love On Her Arms maybe a year ago, but a year later I can't express the gratitude i have for this non-profit. I'm heavy tonight. I wrote another 1,600+ words after I attempted to go visit his grave this afternoon. (it's on myspace).

I hate how someone recently told me that he hasn't been reading my blogs because they've been too morbid. I don't want to be, I'm just trying to process his death, and my own experience. I'm trying to bring this into the light in the only way I know how: through words. I'm sorry if it has made anyone uncomfortable- but sometimes, maybe, we need to get a little uncomfortable to fight our way into the truth.

even if you don't have a personal experience with it, i want you, i want us to talk about it. because the more we talk, the more people we reach, and someone, somewhere IS experiencing this, and they need to hear these words that we write...

i feel tears filling my eyes and my bottom lip is quivering...

TWLOHA just posted this blog on myspace:

PostSecret / You don’t have to apologize.

Hi Guys.

i hope it's been a good weekend. Thanks for the kind words in response to the last blog. That one meant a lot as those are the moments when i feel like i have the best job in the world. Perhaps honesty is a bit contagious in that when one person goes there, it somehow gives the rest of us permission to do the same... Also, really cool to see people talking about the things they're thankful for in the comments.

As for tonight... As an organization, we are fans and friends and partners of both Hopeline (1-800-SUICIDE) and PostSecret. One is on the front lines of saving lives and the other is inviting people to tell their secrets and it's sparked a conversation that is honest, creative and powerful. We feel a lot of common ground and believe in the work of Hopeline and PostSecret because what we all have in common is that we're trying to invite people to reach out and take steps away from the weight and shame of their secrets and their pain, to begin to be less alone in those places.

In yesterday's PostSecret MySpace blog, PostSecret's Frank Warren interviews Hopeline's Reese Butler. Reese started Hopeline after the suicide of his wife Kristin in 1998. Kristin ended her life in the midst of battling postpartum depression and Reese founded Hopeline because he believed that more needed to be done to offer hope and help to people considering suicide. Frank calls Reese his hero and i know that we would echo that in saying that we are inspired by his life and work, and we are thankful for his friendship.

Each week, PostSecret receives hundreds of anonymous postcards from people all over the world. These are people's secrets and they are delivered to Frank's door. The following postcard was featured in yesterday's blog and i thought it might be powerful to post it here, and also to respond:


You are not a fake. You are not letting us down. You don't have to apologize.

This movement (or organization or whatever anyone wants to call it), it began with people caring, people saying that too many among us live in secret and in silence
and what would it look like to begin to talk about these things? What would it look like to really learn what it means to accept someone, to love someone, to try to help someone? What would it look like to begin to love ourselves, to get the help we need?

Our hope is that when someone wears a TWLOHA shirt, they're not saying they have it all together or that everything is easy now. We hope they're simply saying that these issues matter to them, that they're fighting to believe in hope and help, and they're fighting to help others believe as well.

There is no membership process, no criteria for acceptance. This is a movement for broken people and it is led by broken people. This movement exists for you and people like you. It is yours as much as it's mine.

We want to say that we're sorry for your pain, for whatever it is that hurts and causes you to cut. We want to say that you're not alone tonight. Perhaps more than anything, we want to push back at the lie called shame that suggests you're stuck, suggests you're fake, suggests you're somehow failing us.

We've heard countless stories of people beginning to let go and heal and change when they begin to reach out for help. The first step is the one that most people take. We know it's scary and uncertain but we believe that it's worth it, that a better life is possible.

Would you be willing to talk to someone - a friend, a parent, a teacher, perhaps a counselor?

We believe that your story matters and that you're more loved than you will ever know. We believe in hope and help, that these things are real and possible. You weren't meant to live alone with your pain. You weren't meant to stay in the broken place. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people. You were meant to be loved and meant to be known.

Thanks again for taking the time and for being so brave as to send that card.

Peace to you tonight.

see oh double-elle double-ii in [userpic]
by see oh double-elle double-ii in (lambie)
at November 16th, 2008 (11:17 pm)
current mood: indescribable


spread it.

see oh double-elle double-ii in [userpic]
from my own journal...
by see oh double-elle double-ii in (lambie)
at November 16th, 2008 (11:13 pm)
current mood: indescribable

tonight was indescribable. i can't wrap my head around my feelings right now. i can't put the right words to my thoughts. i can't get what's in my head (heart) out here on this screen. my mind is going so fast and my fingers can't keep up...

"There are moments in life occasionally when you're struck with an urgency to remember the situation you're in. To memorize every detail, every subtle nuance of that moment..."

i think that's why i write so much, in so much detail, why i have the benefit of being so open and communicating at times so unabashedly...

i had these moments tonight, so many moments. there was a clear sky out in the country- with no lights. the air was cold and crisp and the sky so vast- and millions of stars. i felt so small. and then driving up onto the buckman bridge, driving towards the peak, the moon emerged. it was low in the sky, and huge. orange. it seemed as if i could reach out and grab it. again, i felt so small. i was grateful and humbled that i was still here, alive and fully awake in that moment. and i was overcome by the beauty of what i saw with my eyes, and then with what i felt in my heart, and what i was thinking in my head, and what i was listening to on the radio. all of these "right" songs for these moments that I was experiencing back-to-back: "I have been blessed" martina mcbride. "Live your life" by T.I. and Rhianna. i went back and was thinking of my life and experiences- the ups and downs- and how everything has shaped me, and the difference people can make.

i think this season, fall, and the past few months (hell, this year) has rocked my foundations. i've been from bad to worse and all the way back to fanf*ckingtastic, all the while knowing that eventually things will get bad again. the ebb and flow...the mountain top and the valleys and the journey between the two...and what you get out of that journey- the growth and how a person can stumble and fall and have to re-learn lessons over and over and over...

i don't think i believe in chance or coincidence or even "accidents" anymore. i think that everything and everyone is connected and that everything really truly does happen for a reason. i've been wearing a horse shoe necklace since the beginning of october because the things that were happening to me made me feel like i was on a lucky streak. no. there is no luck but what there is...is purpose.

it does take time for those reasons to be revealed and you have to go through a lot of junk to figure out those reasons. and some questions will and can never be answered but you have to learn how to be okay with the not-knowing.

i think that everyone has an incredible story to share and i think in the sharing, lives can be changed. i think that everyone wants their lives to have meaning, purpose, (obviously) and they want their story to matter to others. i think that people need to own their stories, their experiences and not run away from the pain from suffering but rather, accept the tragedies just as they celebrate (and accept) the good times...

i think that people matter more than we know or understand, and we take people for granted far too much. people want to matter to others, to know they are special, and loved and valuable- but in that, that's why their stories matter, their experiences matter, what they think and feel and what they have to say...matters. and so i think that not only do we need to share our experiences, our lives with others, but we need to truly listen to others and not undermine their thoughts, feelings, experiences. i think there's power in our experiences- even the really bad, horrible, unspeakable, uncomfortable-to-talk-about experiences. i think we need to be less afraid of honesty.

i'm really grateful to have second and third (and fourth...) chances. i think that we need to be gentle with ourselves and gentle with others...understanding, kind, patient...

i think that love is much more powerful than hate and it's more powerful than death.

goodnight. i love you.

Jen [userpic]
by Jen (lessthan3life)
at November 16th, 2008 (06:41 pm)

current mood: hopeful

Hey guys-
90 days.  Love is real.  We are one.
Don't forget.

see oh double-elle double-ii in [userpic]
love is watching someone dying.
by see oh double-elle double-ii in (lambie)
at November 12th, 2008 (07:05 pm)

current mood: crushed

Today, as I have every day since October 31st, I checked your obituary and the accompanying guest list for any new posts of sympathies. Your cousin created a separate site for pictures and for everyone to post stories and memories of you. All day long I kept going back to the site to see the pictures I had never seen before. They made me smile and laugh. They made me regret that I had not got to know you more. Everyone has been talking of your smile, your great smile. I saw it. I remembered it from junior high.

But then there were pictures where your radiant smile was...a little less. I wondered how you were really feeling in those pictures. I wondered when they were taken. I suppose I was a little angry because if they had been taken recently- days, weeks, or months before your suicide, well then why couldn't anyone close to you see how your smile was a little less than the amazing smile it had been? Couldn't anyone see through it?

I know, it's foolish of me to think that way, with my own experience. People "like us" know how to hide it well, and we lie. We feel like such a burden on others and so we take it all upon our selves. And then, I don't know you very well and I don't want to make any crazy assumptions about your different smiles.

Sunday I was in Orange Park for the first time in weeks. My grandmother lives on River Road- just down the street from where you used to live in Club Continental. I was waiting for my mother to arrive and I had time to kill before we all went out to lunch and I decided to revisit the streets and the places where we shared only a few memories back in 8th or 9th grade. I drove by your old condo. Like, multiple times. I relived the moments in my head. They weren't ridiculously crazy memories, but memories that only teenagers know about- adults, our parents aren't allowed into those moments. The memories I have with you are the kind that you don't really tell many people about until much later in your life.

Even a week ago I was going through my yearbook to find pictures of you since I haven't seen you since those young Orange Park days. I kept going through the pages of awkward photos and then the signatures from friends and acquaintances and crushes. (you never signed mine) I started wondering about everyone else. What happened to them? Are they ok? Who is really happy and who is secretly suffering? Who else is faking a smile? How do you drift away from people you once thought the world of- the people who you thought you would know and love forever?

I just had this thought, which prompted this blog, that if I had only knew then what I know now, I would've tried to force my way into your life more...to try to prevent all of this. If we could have somehow had the same lives we've lived since high school but if we could have been a part of each other's lives since high school- if I could have attempted my suicide in 2003 and lived through it and grew stronger and then somehow known you would attempt...maybe, just maybe...

It's weird thinking like that but I can't help not to. It's not like I think I'm Super Woman or anything. It's just, that I have experience with this. Your "success", your death has made it all the more real to me again. Five years has passed since my attempt and I guess I've been numb to the subject as time moves along. There's things I remember, and things I've forgotten. I don't want to forget.

and you know, all of us, those you left, we can do this all day (go in circles with our crazy thoughts), all night, for the rest of our lives and it won't change a god damn thing. and if it wasn't you it would've been someone else's loved one. someone else's brother, son, friend, nephew, fiance...

in the united states there is a suicide that occurs every 17 minutes. 60% of men who commit suicide use a firearm, like you did. someone else, somewhere, tonight, is watching, standing by, as someone they know secretly dies...

what happened to you? we'll never know. at least I won't. those closest to you might. i hope they had some clue even though that doesn't make the loss less jolting.

looking at these old pictures of you- so young and alive- it's like going to someone's viewing.

everyone tells you not to because the person looks so dead, and yet so fakely "alive" with the makeup and shit they use to make the person look LESS-dead.

looking at these pictures of the you I didn't get to know, knowing that you didn't have a viewing because you had a hole in your head- it's a little like that.

I wish the last picture I saw of you was the one from our 9th grade yearbook. Your long hair tucked behind your ears, your super-goofy mischievous smile, your Nirvana shirt and your flannel. That's the guy I want to remember. That's the last picture of you I want stuck in my head.

i hope that in time we can all find some kind of purpose to all of this...on the other side of the unanswerable questions, on the other side of the rivers of tears.

Messsican☮ [userpic]
by Messsican☮ (kkailaa)
at November 10th, 2008 (08:10 pm)

rawrrmonique [userpic]
by rawrrmonique (rawrrmonique)
at November 2nd, 2008 (04:03 pm)

<p style="margin-top:0; width:403; text-align:center;"><object width="403" height="445"><param name="movie" value="http://media.socialvibe.com/sv2.swf?sid=495660" /><param name="wmode" value="transparent" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always" /><param name="flashvars" value="s=12-495660" /><embed src="http://media.socialvibe.com/sv2.swf?sid=495660" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" allowScriptAccess="always" flashvars="s=12-495660" width="403" height="445"></embed></object><br><a href="http://www.socialvibe.com/?r=387488&rs=join_sv" target="_blank"><img src="http://media.socialvibe.com/m/badge/join_sv.png" border="0" /></a></p>

Pick up the phone!
by Jude Zydrate (callitcaptivate)
at September 23rd, 2008 (08:55 pm)

current mood: peaceful
current song: Northern Downpour - Panic at the Disco

by 9765 (9765)
at September 12th, 2008 (11:48 pm)

As many people know, The Rocket Summer is involved with TWLOHA. I am making Bryce Avary from the Rocket Summer a book about Hope (a theme of TWLOHA) and I was wondering if anyone would want to contribute their story.

P.S. you DO NOT have to be a TRS fan to participate.
a book for bryceCollapse )

Purpose for the Pain is out!
by dearestjohnny (dearestjohnny)
at August 27th, 2008 (02:22 pm)

Anybody have it yet?

Jen [userpic]
one small victory
by Jen (lessthan3life)
at August 5th, 2008 (08:06 am)

    This is an excerpt of an e-mail I wrote to a friend to commemorate one month cut-free.  If something in it touches you, the posts on my blog might as well.  Check it out :)
    "I wanted to let you know...today marks one month since the last time I cut.  31 days.  I've never fought that long before, really had to fight for it, and won. 
    'It's hard.  Some days I don't feel myself, and new ideas come to mind that scare me.  Suicidal thoughts, bulimic thoughts, hallucinations.  And some times I think if I cut, I'll have that to have control over, instead of this bombardment of thoughts of self destruction.   Could I fix it with a blade?
    'For the longest time I thought that yes, I could.  But not anymore.  Because one thing I've found, through writing, through talking, through music, through God--these feelings pass.  The urges come...and the urges go.  If we have the courage to fight them, to deny them our skin that was never their's for the taking anyway. 
    '"Courage, dear heart."
    'Thanks for being part of the journey.  This is to invite you to share in one small victory,"

oliv_fruitbat [userpic]
by oliv_fruitbat (oliv_fruitbat)
at August 5th, 2008 (02:13 am)

i'm so glad this community has been made!

Does anybody know what the twloha font is called?

or do they know if it's dafont.com?

Pick Up the Phone Campaign
by dearestjohnny (dearestjohnny)
at July 18th, 2008 (06:52 pm)

Help save the Hopeline.

Help Support TWLOHA
by dearestjohnny (dearestjohnny)
at July 11th, 2008 (03:55 pm)

current location: my room
current mood: calm
current song: Saawariya Soundtrack - Yoon Shabnami

On the street team page they mentioned SocialVibe, so I thought I'd mention it here. Go to socialvibe.com and set up an account, you can make a banner to go on your myspace, or any other site. Every time someone clicks on your banner, you get points, which helps raise money for your cause. Here's one of mine:

You should definitely check it out.

Maddie [userpic]
join TWLOHA street team!
by Maddie (airbearsfreak)
at June 28th, 2008 (10:18 pm)

tiffikittie [userpic]
by tiffikittie (tiffikittie)
at June 17th, 2008 (04:06 pm)

[Posting here because my sidekick can't load twloha.com very well]
This weekend was rough. I broke up with my honest first true love.
I love him like no other, but I couldn't deal with him anymore.
He was emoitonaly abusive, verbally abusive, emotionaly distant and numb towards any feelings most of the time.
He asked for another chance, but I have given him too many already.
I just cried today, after not crying for 2 days.
I really just want to forget him, knowing it'l be hard, but the best thing to do.
I'm just, scared of breaking down..

Riikka [userpic]
by Riikka (nyi)
at June 1st, 2008 (07:05 pm)

23 to write love on her arms
27 be your own pet
13 stock
4 misc (2 banners)


here @ sssweat 

Brinna [userpic]
by Brinna (endlikethis)
at November 11th, 2007 (12:06 pm)

Welcome to to_write_love, a community in support of the To Write Love On Her Arms orginization.

<3 Brinna

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